Homebound for Homebound

The scene fades in to reveal Danger Cat, excitedly opening some haphazardly-sealed packages. Angus is sat on a table next to him, his girth causing the small stand to lean slightly to one side. Golden Cat enters the room, looking grim and holding a piece of paper with the NGW Homebound card printed on it.

“Peligrosso? I, uh… I have some news.”

“As do I, Dorado, I have purchased special outfits for our Homebound debut! You’ll love them, amigo!”

Danger Cat excitedly rips open one of the packages and presents- to Golden Cat’s shock and horror- a massive, plastic cat head. It’s twice the size of a basketball, haphazardly painted gold with huge greyes, and has a noticeable crack along one of the seams.

“Do you like it? It was custom made! 100 pesos each, you see… Or maybe it was 97.4. I forget, it’s not important. Aren’t they precious?”

Golden Cat’s face can be politely described as the face of someone who’s recently survived an extended session of waterboarding.

“It’s… Peligrosso, listen. I have some bad news… It’s, well, it’s about our placement on the card.”

Danger Cat gasps in excitement.

“Ai dios mios… don’t tell me… We’re main eventing?!”

He squels with joy.

“I’ve always known we had a bright future, but main eventing already? I’m so excited to show these off to the world!”

Danger Cat tears open another box, pulling out a set of orange American football shoulder pads with spikes poking out of all directions.

“That’s… Lovely, Peligrosso. Though I cannot help but note that they appear to be rather dangerous.”

Peligrosso laughs.

“But of course, I am the Danger Cat!”



“Mrowr.”

“Yes, Angus. But, unfortunately, we are not main eventing. I’m afraid we’re a tad bit… Lower on the card.”

“Oh, well, co main event is more reasonable, I guess. Piper Foxx and Sony Octave are quite a duo!”

Danger Cat pulls out a pair of oversized golden cat paw gloves.

“But do they have these? Haha!”

Danger Cat appears as though he is physically pained.

“Peligrosso… We… We are not on the card!”

Danger Cat’s smile slowly fades.

“Midcard?”

“No.”

“Opener?”

“No.”

“Curtain jerker?”

“No.”

“Piss break?”

“Peligroso, we are not on the card at all!”

Shattered by the news, Danger Cat shakes his head, refusing to believe it.

“No no no! This can’t be! I put in so much money on these outfits!”

Danger pulls out an orange giant cat tail.

“I even made sure these ones clipped on this time!”

Danger Cat absently rubbed his posterior with his free hand, cringing slightly.

“We must be on the card! This must be some sort of joke!”

“I am afraid not, my orange friend. I spoke to Senor Donahue, and he said he could not find room for us on the card. However, he said that we could still collect a modest paycheck if we… Well, if we helped the landscaping crew.”

“The landsca… Oh I see, it’s because we’re Latino, isn’t it?”

“He said it was because the rest of the team were refusing to work for less than minimum wage. But to be fair, you love landscaping! You did spend most of my life savings on the Turbo Trim 3001 riding mower, after all.”

“Ah, and your lawn has never looked better! I do have a thing for shrub art! Remember when I carved our logo into your mother’s backyard?”

“Si… I also remember the beating she gave me. Mama quite liked her grass the way it was… It was a bad time.”

“Perhaps… perhaps we can make the best of this. After all, we did run The Krew out of NGW, purrhaps we can also run out ugly bushes?”

Golden Cat considers this.

“Hmm… I suppose a modest paycheck is better than no paycheck. Although, now that I have the time, I would also like to attend the Accountant Association’s TED Talks at the Chicago Convention center. They’re scheduled to discuss the dangers of tax evasion, identity theft, and illegal immigration on the average American citizen. Perhaps you’d like to join me?”

Golden Cat smiles expectantly.

“Ah… Tax evasion…”

Danger Cat looks up at his dear friend.

“Ah… Identity theft… it does seem quite compelling, honestly. We may learn a thing or two! Do you think we can wear the cat suits?”

“That’s a great idea! You bought them, we might as well put them to use!”

Golden Cat grabs his golden head and puts it on his head. He is quiet for a moment.

“Peligrosso… There are no eye holes.”

Danger Cat waves him off.

“Eye holes cost extra, we’re on a budget. Here, stay still.”

Danger Cat grabs the knife he was using to cut open the box and walks towards Golden Cat.

“Now, stay very still, I don’t want to make them too big!”

“Wait… What are you--?”

Danger Cat stabs into the helmet, puncturing one of the huge green eyes and scaring the absolute bejeesus out of his tag team partner.

“Mierda! Are you insane, you orange--?!”

Danger Cat punctures the other eye, and Golden Cat yelps in surprise. Angus, who had been watching attentively, makes an astute observation.

“Mrowr.”

Golden Cat is not amused.

“Yes, gatito, it is lucky the knife was not longer.”

Danger Cat walks over to his orange cat head, holding it in his arms.

“Ah… now for me…”

Golden Cat looks at the knife in Danger Cat’s hands.

“May I see that, Peligrosso? I do believe it’s my turn now...”

Danger Cat looks at his partner in horror.

“What?! No, you psychopath! I’m going to make the eyeholes first! What kind of crazy person are you?!”

“Give me the knife, Peligrosso!”

Golden Cat lunges for the knife amidst a furry of protests, and both of them tumble off camera, Golden Cat’s cat head rolling back into frame a moment later. The camera zooms in on Angus, who offers his final thoughts as Los Felinos Fatale close out the season with their frightening frackus. The camera zooms in, a black circle surrounding Angus’s face.

“Mrowr.”

A laugh track can be heard, as well as a little jingle, as the camera fades to black.

This episode of Los Felinos Fatales was brought to you by the Cutco Knife Corporation. Cutco Knives: Slice and Dice: the Spice of Life!
Please use proper safety procedures while cutting objects around people.