"Scumbag" Teddy (Black Bear, but commonly misheard as Blackbeard) Soloway IV of the Isles of Skellige

Picture this: a bald black man, with a pretty sweet beard--tall with a mouth-watering physique underneath his skin-tight muscle shirt--is leaning against a wall while a CMV interviewer stands next to him.

Interviewer: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to Genesis! I’m here with a fresh face on the scene, and, I’m sorry sir, but I never got your name.

Soloway: Hold up, man. Before we even get to the formalities, are we not going to talk about how you came here five minutes early?

Interviewer: I...

Soloway: That is not the way to make a good first impression. Don’t ever keep me waiting like that again.

Interviewer: I don’t understand. How is it a problem that I came early.

Soloway: Hey now, I don’t like the way that sentence was put together.

Interviewer: We both know I didn’t mean--

Soloway: But to keep on the topic, the problem with you being early, is that i was even earlier by accident this time and if there’s one thing I hate more that week weed, it’s being kept waiting.

Interviewer: Well how am I supposed to know how early you’re going to be?

Soloway: Well that’s your job, isn’t it? Don’t expect me to do it for you.

Interviewer: *Sigh* Your name sir. Please share with the CMV Universe what you’re name is.

Soloway: Soloway.

Interviewer: Ju...Just Soloway?

Soloway: Teddy Soloway.

Interviewer: Okay, can I call you Teddy, or do you prefer Theodore, or?

Soloway: Call me Teddy Soloway IV of the Isle of Skellige.

Interviewer: I don’t think I’ve ever heard of such a place.

Soloway: I’m not surprised, most haven’t. Hell, what I’m most surprised about is that it hasn’t been wiped off the mat yet. All kinds of dirty, disgusting, vile creatures roam there. It’s almost like CMV in a way.

Interviewer: Well that’s one way to make friends in the locker room.

Soloway: Friends?! Hah! Get that weak crap outta here. The only reason I’m in this company is because the MMA career didn’t pan out as I had hoped. Luckily, the women here don’t hit as hard. And I’m not talking about the Vixens! Ooooh!

Interviewer: You’re a bit of a scumbag, aren’t you?

Soloway: Only to people I don’t know. To the ones that I do know, I ignore.

Interviewer: So could you...

Soloway: Damn, hang on a second. Scumbag...Scumbag...you know something? I'm gonna add that.

Interviewer: You don't think your name's obnoxiously long enough?

Soloway: "Scumbag" Teddy "Black Bear" Soloway IV of the Isles of Skellige.

Interviewer: Where the hell did Black Bear come from?

Soloway: Look at me, guy, I'm black and my name is Teddy. Is there a problem?

Interviewer: Yes, I mean, no. Logically, it's actually a pretty good nickname but in the context of your full name its's...

Soloway: Actually, there is a problem.

Interviewer: Oh god.

Soloway: See Black Bear is fine and dandy, but too many times it's commonly misheard as Blackbeard. At first it bothered me, but I dunno, I kind of like it.

Interviewer: But here in CMV we can just call you Black Bear? For short. That's fine, right? Please tell me that's okay.

Soloway: If you had to shorten it I would prefer it be "Black Bear commonly misheard as Blackbeard" if that's not too much to ask for.

Interviewer: What...

Soloway: You're actually being very difficult right now. It's almost making me want to not wrestle for this place if you're gonna be the guy interviewing me every time that I win.

Interviewer: Okay, let's talk about why you're here. Are you competing on the Genesis brand? I couldn't help but notice that you haven't been drafted, and yours is not a name that's easy to miss, apparently.

Soloway: I signed a contract earlier in the year, but I got hurt before the hottest debut of the year, and wasn't edible to be drafted until I could be cleared to wrestle.

Interviewer:
Do you have a preference for which brand you'd rather be on?

Soloway: Honestly Fusion if it means I don't have to deal with you. But I'm not a petty guy, and I'm willing to help you work through your issues. I'll go to the brand that's more willing to push me to the forefront and make "Scumbag" Teddy "Black Bear, but commonly misheard as Blackbeard" Soloway IV of the Isle of Skellige the face of the company.

Interviewer:
Not many unknown commodities can just be made the star of a show like that right out of the gate. What makes you so special?

Soloway's phone starts ringing, and without having second thoughts about coming off rude, he answers it.

Soloway: Yo! Sup man, haven't heard from you in a minute. What you been up to? Me? Man just got done bro. Interviews by some guy. Gonna go grab a bite.

Interviewer: Done? We've barely done anything.

Soloway:

Interviewer: RUDE and I don't like how that sentence was together.

Soloway walks off leaving the clearly agitated interviewer to figure out what the hell he was just a part of.

Picture this: ”Scumbag” Teddy “Black Bear,” but commonly misheard as “Blackbeard” Soloway IV of the Isles of Skellige stands next to the same interviewer he was with last week with a footlong sub in his hand. He takes a big bite out of it as the interviewer asks a question.

Interviewer: Folks, it’s me again joined by…*sigh* Do i actually have to say the whole thing?

Soloway: How dare you? Listen, Guy, my name is everything to me. That’s the name that got me to the big dance. That’s the name they put on the posters, on the cereal boxes and on my checks, baby.

Interviewer: Now wait a second. My name isn’t Guy, it’s….

Soloway: Oh! But I’m supposed to care about YOUR name and YOUR problems? That’s rich!

*He takes out a roll of paper that reaches down to the ground despite him holding it at chest height.*

Interviewer: Okay. Folks, it is my pleasure to know that I’m standing here with the debuting “Scumbag” Teddy “Black Bear” but commonly misheard as “Blackbeard” Soloway IV of the Isles of Skellige, and….

Soloway: And I’m still going to call you Guy.

Guy: But I said the whole damn thing!

Soloway: Except I didn’t like the way you said Skellige.

Guy: Well then how do you pronounce it? WHERE is it?

Soloway: I’d answer that but I’d rather correct your other mistake where you said that I’m debuting tonight. In case you missed it, and clearly, you did, I already had my star-making first match in this company.

Guy: But that match against JustIN Sane wasn’t really an official debut on Geneis.

Soloway: All I know is that I officially beat his ass so bad that he had to cheat to beat me.

Guy: Sane pinned you to the mat for…

Soloway: I can’t say I’m a fan of the way that sentence was put together.

Guy: The point is that I never saw him cheat.

Soloway: It’s not about what you saw, it’s about what I felt. And I felt the bag of rocks he must have hidden in that kneepad. Trust me, I know what it feels like.

Guy: To be hit with a bag of rocks?

Soloway: To be cheated! Are you not paying attention? Look, watch this match against...who am I facing again?

Guy: Furious Frank from the team of...

Soloway: I’d be Furious too if my name was Frank. Were his parents hungry when they named him? And he wasn’t even named after a good kind of food either. At least they put him against a man with an absolutely perfect name so that he can learn a thing or two. It’ll be a nice compensation after I beat his ugly ass in the middle of the ring like how I practically did with Sane.

Guy: You were nowhere close to beating Sane.

Soloway: Stop that.

Guy: Can you grow up?

Soloway: Oh my career isn’t gonna just grow up after I go on the hottest undefeated streak this company has ever seen….

Guy: You lost your first match!!

Soloway: ...but it’s about to blow up.

Guy: So that’s it? You’re guaranteeing victory? Not even going to give Furious Frank a fighting chance?

Soloway: Why would I say he has a chance to beat me? I am NOT a liar. There is no way that I’m losing this match. Since words aren’t doing the trick for you, how about a little visual representation of what’s going to happen tonight? I’ll be me, of course, and this sandwich is Furious Frank.

Guy: What?

Soloway: This sandwich is Furious Frank.

Guy: Why?

Soloway: Do you see any other sandwiches I can use for this?

Guy: A sandwich?

Soloway: No, this Sandwich, Guy. This sandwich right here is Furious Frank. It’s delicious, and I’ve enjoyed my time with it, much like it’ll be delicious styling on Frankie and I’ll enjoy every second of doing it. So if this sandwich is Furious Frank, and I’m playing me in this scenario, then here’s how the match is going to play out. Ring the bell.

Guy: What?

Soloway: Do your damn job and RING THE BELL!

Guy: Um...Ding...ding...ding?

Soloway: *In a mock commentary voice as he fights the sandwich* Folks we are thirty seconds into the match and “Scumbag” Teddy “Black Bear, but commonly heard as Blackbeard” Soloway IV of the Isles of Skellige has been amazing in it. Wait! He’s going for it, his finishing move the “Hottest Elbow of Twenty[Whatever the current year is in CMV] aka HEOT!”

*Soloway drives his elbow into the sandwich with such force that it splatters against the wall.*

Soloway: Shieeeeeeet, I was still hungry, and now I don’t have a sandwich to eat. Furious Frank this is you fault, and you owe me BIG time, now. I’m going to make you pay for what you’ve done.

*Solway storms off, leaving a confused Guy to process what just happened.*

Picture this: “Scumbag” Teddy “Black Bear, but commonly misheard as Blackbeard” Soloway IV of the Isles of Skellige, rises from his seat from the lunch table. He wipes his face with a napkin and walks away leaving his tray on the table. He walks past the trash can and throws the napkin on the floor right next to it to add insult to injury, unnecessarily making the janitor’s job a little harder.

Soloway walks to his locker room and finds rising CMV interviewer “Guy” waiting for him.

Guy:Hello...

Soloway: Say it.

Guy:*Sigh* “Scumbag” Teddy “Black Bear, but commonly misheard as Blackbeard” Soloway IV of the Isles of Skellige.

Soloway: Good enough.

Guy:What? What else could I have said differently?

Soloway: Listen, that’s all in the past. Let’s talk about my thrilling victory against Bob Storm.

Guy:That’s even FURTHER in the past!

Soloway: But the thing about my matches is that they’re all classics. They’re timeless and they’ll always be the highlights of the past, present AND the future!

Guy:But how can you sit there and say that you beat him when you walked out of the match?

Soloway: Are you kidding me?

Guy:I should be asking YOU that!

Soloway: Of course you should be asking me things. YOU’RE the interviewer!

Guy:HOW did you beat Bob Storm?

Soloway: All I know is that I was wrestling, and then my head started to hurt when took a fall, and I wasn’t the same for the rest of the match.

Guy:Well, the reports are saying that you have a minor concussion.

Soloway: And it’s a disgrace that Bob Storm would resort to such cheap tactics to try and steal the win.

Guy:I doubt he went out of his way to do that.

Soloway: When people see my beautiful bald head, they can’t help but target it. When I saw Storm’s mask, you didn’t see me try to rip it off and shame him to DEATH by exposing his ugly mug to the rest of the world. So I decided to switch things up and change the rules. It’s not my fault that Bob couldn’t keep up. The key to being a success is being ready for anything and everything, and Storm wasn’t and that’s why he lost and that’s why I had the buffet all to myself.

Guy:Well how are you going to protect your head going forward?

Soloway: I can’t say that I’m a fan of the way that sentence was put together, Guy.

Guy:Oh my God. The concussion, Teddy. How are you going to stop all the people from gunning from that shiny target?

Soloway: Hey! You noticed the coconut oil? Let me tell you something, Guy, it’s VERY important to moisturize.

Guy:So that’s something you consciously do?

Soloway: Of course. You know how many people I see with dry, cracked skin? Disgusting. Like they’ve never heard of lotion or vaseline or using bath soap that heals the skin. It’s ridiculous, Guy. Look at you. Look at you! I see those hands, that coat of white between your fingers. Either you wear gloves when you hold that microphone near my face or you treat your body right. Do you understand?

Guy:I...I didn’t know this was something that meant so much to you.

Soloway: A man’s body is a temple, and if you don’t respect yourself, then how can you expect me to respect you, Guy? As a matter of fact, if you don’t respect yourself, how can I expect you to respect me? Your job is to respect me, Guy!

Guy:I don’t think that’s exactly in the job description.

Soloway: You know what else isn’t? Cheering for Cobalt Ketchup over me!

Guy:I didn’t even bring him up!

Soloway: Yeah I bet you know what he said in his last promo, don’t you?

Guy:Well he...

Soloway: Go on, say it.

Guy:He said that he could have beaten you in a race to the buffet.

Soloway: I bet he did…I bet he did. Well, look here, Guy, Ketchup has gotten real cocky because of this fluke winning streak he’s on.

Guy:Well if his is a fluke, then what’s yours?!

Soloway: My wins are earned! I suffer through all of my matches, damn it and I get what I deserve in the end: the big win at the end of the day. He hasn’t even wrestled on the big show yet! The way I see it, he’s 0-0! He’s worse than a loser! He’s nothing!

Guy:Look, we’ve gone way off topic.

Soloway: Is keeping the interview on topic not part of your job description either?

Guy:Oh my god. How are you going to stay concussion free?

Soloway: I got a hat.

Guy:How is...

Soloway:Check ya later.

Soloway throws up the peace sign, then walks away. [/b]

Picture this: Teddy Soloway eating a slice of pizza. He eats it down to the crust then tosses behind him.

Guy:  Ow!

The interviewer walks into the frame with the crust sticking out of his shirt pocket. Soloway pulls it out, takes a bite, grimaces, then spits it onto Guy’s shirt.

Soloway: Uh! Awful! Why’d you bring that to me? I’m not even hungry anymore!

Guy: “Scumbag” Teddy “Black Bear, but commonly heard as Blackbear” Soloway IV of the Isles of Skellige.

He takes a deep breath..

Guy: Always a pleasure.

Soloway: Why wouldn’t it be? Why would you want to interview anyone BUT me? I am the hottest thing going since I stepped foot here. Check this out: ever since I beat Justin Sane I’ve been on a streak the likes of which the company has never seen before.

Guy: That match between you and Lance Romance was over before it even started. How can you stand there and tell me that you won that?

Soloway: Did you not watch the match?

Guy: I did! That’s why I’m asking you!

Soloway: Romance didn’t stand a chance!

Guy: He superkicked you at least three times? Knocked you clean out of your boots!

Soloway: And that was his key mistake! He kicked me so hard that I fell asleep and in my dream I beat his ass up and down and all around the arena! So if it happened in a dream then it must be true!

Guy: Dreams are the literal opposite of reality.

Soloway: If it wasn’t real then how am I 4-0 right now?

Guy: Just because you say it doesn’t make it true.

Soloway: My name is “Scumbag” Teddy “Black Bear” but commonly misheard as Blackbeard” Soloway IV of the Isles of Skellige.

Guy: Okay...

Soloway: My finishing move is an elbow strike to the back of the head.

Guy: That isn’t wrong.

Soloway: I wear a mask down to the ring so that I don’t smell the fans’ breath on my way there.

Guy: Sure, but...

Soloway: So if those things that I said are true, then so must the fact that I’m 4-0 because I say that I am too!

Guy: Oh my god...

Soloway: Listen, Guy, you sound a little stressed. It’s a pay per view, and you don’t have to worry about getting the results of my match wrong tonight. I’m giving you the rest of the night off.

Guy: You actually don’t have the power to...

Soloway: But you know what I have the power to do? Make a little bet with you.

Guy: Do go on.

Soloway: If I don't win in a matter that satisfies you by the next pay per view, then I'll leave.

Guy: You'll leave?

Soloway: Yeah.

Guy: Just like that?

Soloway: Yeah.

Guy: Where would you go?

Soloway: Yeah.

Guy: What?

Soloway: Sorry I tuned you out.

Guy: Oh my god...You were the one making the bet!

Soloway: Do you accept or not?

Guy: I don't know if I want that respons...

Soloway: So you accept? Great!

Guy: Wait I...

Soloway: That's right! I can't wait to prove you wrong.

Guy: Maybe you should reth...

Soloway: Check ya later!


Soloway puts on his hat and walks off.

Picture this: a red car pulls up in the parking lot that Intensity was held in earlier in the day. The problem? The show ended hours ago, and there is only one other blue parked vehicle in the building. The red car stops next to the blue car in such a way that the driver’s side door on both vehicles are right next to each other. The red car’s window lowers slowly until “Scumbag” Teddy “Black Bear, but commonly misheard as Black Beard” Soloway IV of the Isles of Skellige. The driver in the blue car follows suit, and it’s none other than Soloway’s personal interviewer known to us only as “Guy.”

Guy: NOW will you tell me why we had to meet here?

Soloway: Hey, Guy, how are--

Guy: At this time?

Soloway:--you doing?

Guy: What did you just ask me?

Soloway: Oh, now you care about what I had to say.

Guy: How do you think I’m doing?

Soloway: Well if you heard what I said, why did you ask?

Guy: We’re out here hours after the show ends, and you--

Soloway: Look, I know you care about your job. YOu’re passionate, it’s your lifeblood and your way to bring home the bacon. But you gotta find a way to turn it off. You can’t just spend your whole life asking people questions.

Guy: If you would just answer me, I wouldn’t have to ask so many times!

Soloway: Guy, don’t be the cake that the birthday boy spit on while he was blowing out the candles.

Guy: The birthday boy...What?

Soloway: Again with the questions!

Guy: Teddy!

Soloway: I told you why we’re here.

Guy: You just texted to come because of something that’s very important that cannot wait.

Soloway: Yes, but I sent a handwritten note that explained everything in full detail.

Guy: You could have included that in the text!

Soloway: But the government is watching! What if someone from the FBI got ahold of the text and spoiled everything inside of it? I may have presidential aspirations one day.

Guy: When did you send the letter, Teddy? Do you have any idea how the postal service works?

Soloway: These questions, Guy. It’s like you’re a robot.

Guy: When?!

Soloway: But I’ll humor you this one time. I actually forgot to drop it in the mailbox.

Guy: Oh my God.

Soloway: Look, let me make it up to you.

Soloway reaches under his hat and pulls out an envelope. He holds it out of the window, but Guy just sits there with a dumbfounded look on his face.

Guy: Under your hat.

Soloway: There’s no need to feel self-conscious, reading isn’t for everyone.

Guy snatches the letter out of Soloway’s hand and quickly scans over it. When he’s done he crumbles it up and throws it in Teddy’s face.

Soloway: What was that for?

Guy: That was your shopping list!

Soloway: And you crumble it up! How am I supposed to remember what to buy?

Guy: Try remembering why we’re here!

Soloway: One sec.

Soloway digs under his hat again and pulls out a second envelope.

Guy: Oh my God. Just tell me!

Soloway: Fine, fine. We’re here because I’m announcing that after dominating Fusion and Genesis with the hottest 7-0 win streak the business has ever seen, I’ve decided that there’s nothing left for me to do over there. So after thinking long and hard about it, it’s official: I’m bringing my talents to Intensity!

Guy: Really? That’s great! I don’t see why you waited until after the show to announce that, though.

Soloway: You know something, Guy? It hurts that you’ve asked me every question under the sun and not return the favor and not ask me how I’m doing.

Guy: You said to stop asking ques--

Soloway: Shame.

Soloway rolls up his window and drives off.  

**Picture this: Guy is spotted standing outside the Intensity’s doctor’s office shaking his head as the sound of a trombone playing can be heard through the closed doors. Guy checks his watch, sighs, and begins walking away. As soon as he takes his first step, the door flings open. On the other side stands the one and only Teddy Soloway, giving Guy an accusatory stare.


Guy: Hey there?...

Soloway: So you were just going to walk away from me?


Guy: You told me to wait for you to get your stitches then disappeared for an hour!

Soloway: What happened to interviewers who were dedicated to their craft? Waiting out in the rain, sleet or snow so that they could be the one to ask those all too important questions!


Guy: Here’s a question: How did you know the exact moment I was leaving?

Soloway: That’s neither here nor there.


Guy: Were you just watching me all this time?

Soloway: Nobody wants to hear the answer to that.


Guy: Actually...

Soloway: Look, we got off on the wrong foot. You made some mistakes, I called you out on those mistakes, let’s just start over.


Guy: Oh my God. *Sigh* Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome my guest at this time: “Scumbag” Teddy, “Black Bear (but commonly misheard as Bleackbeard) Soloway IV of the Isles of Skellige! And Teddy, you must be pleased after your big win against Don Bishop tonight.

Soloway: Of course it was a big win, Guy! What happened is that I got into that ring and when I slapped Dan…


Guy: Don.


Soloway: Din Bishop pretty..well, I don’t know if the camera caught it, but he actually looked a little handsomer for a few seconds. I preformed a miracle tonight, Guy, and for doing my opponent such a huge favor, I all but deserved to win tonight. These hands, Guy, they’re not just for punching, or kicking…


Guy: Kicking? How in the...


Soloway: They actually performed some good tonight. I broke the mold of senseless violence that professional wrestling is shrouded in, by actually providing a humanitarian service by making John..


Guy: Don.


Soloway: Right. Bishop pleasing to the eye even if it was undone in the blink of an eye.


Guy: How is that even a stipulation for whether or not you win a match. People get slapped everyday!


Soloway: Yeah, I bet you do.


Guy: Teddy, you can’t just keep making things up as you go because you don’t want to accept that you lost. Don Bishop had you in a precarious position for much of that match, and when it was all said and done...wait a second. Teddy you won that match!


Soloway: Have you been listening at all? That’s what I said.


Guy: No, Teddy, I mean that you actually won the match!


Soloway: THAT’S WHAT I SAID!


Guy: Oh man, I’m living a “boy who cried  wolf” scenario. Been listening to you making up all these excuses whenever you lost that I thought you lost this one too despite watching it.


Soloway: I’ve been winning matches like this since day one. Tom Bishop is just the latest in a long, LONG line of victims.


Guy: Okay, but why the excuse for this one? You didn’t beat Bishop because of some wacky miracle work.


Soloway: Who are you to stand there and question me or my methods? You don’t see me telling me how to do your job.


Guy: ARE YOU KID--


Soloway: Guy, now that I’m 9-0 across the board. Things are going to be looking up. I was destined to make it big time. I’m already the hottest thing going in wrestling, all I need is the money, titles and big match booking to cement that fact.


Guy: You were 7-0 the other day!


Soloway: Look, it’s really simple math.


Guy: Yeah: seven plus one equals eight!


Soloway: Except you’re forgetting about a crucial variable: I beat Shawn so badly that Gavin ended up taking the L too.


Guy: How does that even work?


Soloway: It’s just one of the perils of being in a tag team, Guy. You screw up and you drag your partner down with you. That’s why I keep turning down your requests.


Guy: I never even asked to team with you.


Soloway: Because you know I’d turn you down.


Guy: Oh my God. All right, Teddy, before we wrap this up, how about you share what’s next in store for you and your undefeated streak.


Soloway: I just said it: not teaming with you.


Soloway abruptly turns and walks away leaving Guy standing there wondering why he doesn’t get paid more to deal with such a character.