"NOBODY likes you, Schmidty."

by Batman Fri Sep 24, 2021 12:03 am

The warmth of a fire fills the screen, and for a few pleasant seconds you could close your eyes, take a deep breath and pretend for a few precious seconds that you were basking in its glow.

But you're not.

The camera zooms out, and there he is: Cole Savage--the man who shocked not only the world, but Canada in particular, when he made his grand return what feels like (and given the hastened stream schedule very well may have been) a couple of days ago.

While you can't make out any defining physical characteristics, you can tell that's Savage sitting before the flames because this silhouette...just looks older somehow. More poised, more dignified. Someone like Shay Hoxton sometimes sits with a poor posture unbecoming of this Country's highest office, but Savage is a textbook example of how to do it right.

Savage's back is straight, and his right leg is crossed over his left at such an angle that there is a higher chance of Ace Reeves getting a tan than there could ever be of either of Savage's legs falling asleep.

That's just the kind of man he is. He exudes class, because he IS of a higher class, a cemented fact that he was NEVER shy about reminding the CMV Universe of. Savage holds up an empty wine glass, and a servant rushes up and perfectly fills it three-quarters of the way up. Savage sets the glass down, on a coaster, after taking a short, but sweet, sip of its contents.

With his other hand he snaps his fingers commanding the lights in this room to turn on faster than Jordan Nicholson turned on Hunter Quinn. What a glorious sight this is. You can't help but notice it, the legendary 100% Egyptian Cotton T-Shirt, clean and pristine like Jason Spade's conscience after betraying his morals and allies.

This is the shirt that took CMV by storm, an article….no THE article of clothing that everyone and their mother wanted to have for themselves...but everyone and their mothers could never make enough money in their lifetimes to bring one of these shirts into their lives. Just look at the way it hugs Savage's torso, showing off every muscle without showing any wrinkles or creases in the fabric. And just take a look at that, Savage coughs and spills a drop of red wine on the shirt ..but after a flash of white light, it's like the stain was never there...and now Savage's glass is also refilled.

Without looking at the camera, Savage instead finds his attention held by the flames in his fireplace. He tents his fingers and begins to speak.

I was going to open with a metaphor...something along the lines of Schmidty being the wildfire sweeping across a once prosperous land, and me being the tsunami surging forward after years of drought.

Savage chuckles.

And then he starts laughing.

And now he's bent over howling, unable to speak for several seconds until he's able to compose himself again.

But then I realized, look at how beautiful and pure these flames are. Schmidty could never HOPE to compare to them. As a matter of fact, Schmidty is more like my Great Aunt Petunia..a raggedly old bitch who nobody wanted around them, which must make me thank death itself doing everybody a favor by getting rid of him once and for all.

But that seems a little macabre, doesn't it? A little too dark and broody, something that John Lipnick would whisper to himself in the mirror before writing on his chest with markers. Then again, it's kind of on the nose.

NOBODY likes you, Schmidty.

Not me, not the fans, not Gary who sells the overpriced and overcooked hotdogs in the stands. Hell, I bet even your wife breathed a sigh of relief knowing you'd be out on the road making other families miserable six days out of the week.

Savage takes a sip of his wine, creating a pregnant pause that lets it really sink in that there may be a possibility that not even Schmidty's family wants him around. For a second, you almost feel bad for him, then you realize that if you and Schmidty crossed paths at the next Supremacy he might have beaten your ass for no reason like he did those other schmucks.

So now you don't feel so bad.

And if I'm the guy, ol' Schmidt, that wants to damage your reputation so badly that you become the laughing stock of CMV both in AND out of the ring...well I might as well put a knife to your head and pull the trigger, right?

That's how knives worked back in Savage's day. Technology has come a long way.

Cause your reputation is all you have. Your legacy is what you clutch to so desperately, and I don't blame you because otherwise people would rightfully forget you ever existed. That TERRIFIES you. Yeah, the thought that you'd be forgotten or that your miniscule contributions to the grand time that is CMV's history would be overshadowed is why you are the way that you are: a prick.

You forced title reigns that you didn't deserve. You put your ugly mug on the ring. You ran over anyone who showed they had a lick more talent than you, which was MOST of the roster, mind you. Why? Because wrestling was the only thing your useless ass could say you were above average at, and you clung to that for so long that your mind warped that fact into you thinking you were the greatest. No, my friend, you're far from it.

Meanwhile, all I had to do was show up and be myself. There was no facade, no pretending...there was plenty of scheming and throwing my money around, but, when it came to Cole Savage, you knew exactly what you were getting: a larger than life SUPERSTAR who the people wanted to SEE and who the people wanted to BE, baby!

Savage pulls off his sunglasses, in the same dramatic manner he used to do every week back in the day, and looks dead at the camera. There's a twinkle in his eyes, and his lips are curled up into devilish smirk that won't go away.

And while I was never exactly the man of the people during my heyday in CMV, watching you throw a tantrum because untrained average Joes were the only people who have a chance at beating you in these day is an embarrassment to this company...but MOST importantly, it was an embarrassment to ME.

To think that I had an off night at Ascendance, and you let it get to your head.

To think that I lost to this man child.

To think that I would lose the chance to right that TRAVESTY.

That's why I came back.

Savage shakes his head.

I got to see you in person, Schmidty, and you can bet your sweet ass that I was slinging so many words and turns of phrases left and right that I don't even recall HALF of what I said.

I got caught up in the moment.

I got caught up in my quest for revenge.

And then you set me straight.

So I want to THANK YOU, pal, because you did me a solid by rejecting my offer for a match.

I've had some time to think and reflect on if that match is what I truly want...and you're so pathetic, so washed up, such a fraction of what you used to be, that once again I'm EMBARRASSED that I even seriously considered coming out of retirement to deal with you.

You're not worth it.

Not the match, and you're barely even worth the precious few minutes I'm taking out of my day to record this.

I just need to get the record straight, for the people who went out in DROVES to make Ascendance sellout when they heard I would be there.

Then again, now that I put it out in the Universe, who says I won't show up and honor someone by choosing them as an opponent?

And--

Savage gets a phone call.

If you can excuse me one moment.

Savage answers the phone.

What's good?

Savage listens.

You gotta be KIDDING me!

Savage listens some more.

How could I forget?? This is PERFECT!

Savage hangs up.

Schmidty, I was just reminded: YOU'RE DIVORCED! YOU DON'T HAVE A FAMILY! AND AFTER ASCENDANCE, YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE A CAREER!

Savage's eyes start welling up as the laughter rolls on.

Aw man! Who are you retiring to? Your right hand? What are you gonna do? Sit in your basement watching old tapes of yourself? MAN! If you ain't the saddest sap to be walking the halls in CMV and that's WITH Rhys Matthews still hanging about.

Geez, kid, I wouldn't even wait until Ascendance if I were you. All this second hand embarrassment is getting too much even for me! And I...I...

He can't get another word out. The laughter has taken over to the point where the old man even falls out of his seat...literally rolling on the floor HOWLING with uncontrollable laughter.

If nothing else, Schmidty has brought the gift of joy to Savage's life.