Nuestros Héroes son Engañados?! Arco de Vacos Episodio Uno

The camera comes in to the arena of the Elder Cats. We see La Gata Dorada and La Gata Peligrosa climb the seven thousand steps up to the altar of the gods. Once at the top they begin gasping for breath.

Golden Cat looks at her exhausted friend.

After they catch their breath, the two gatas begin to summon one of the Elder Cats: The Kat Stacy Carter. With a flash of light Stacy Carter appears in front of our two heroes.

Las Felinas Fatales bow to Stacy. Golden Cat speaks up.

Stacy sighs.

Danger Cat interjects.

Stacy Carter presses her hand against her head in annoyance.

The Kat snaps her finger and an alchemy lab teleports in behind her. She goes to work while Las Felinas Fatales bicker amongst themselves.

Gata Dorada sighs.

Gata Dorada gasps in sheer offense, but before she can respond, The Kat speaks up.

The Kat goes to hand Danger Cat the vial of glittering white potion, pauses, and hands it to Golden Cat instead.

The Kat gives them two kitty shaped mugs, which Golden Cat pours the potion into. Our heroes take their cups and clink them together.

Las Felinas Fatales chug down the potion and their bodies change before our eyes. Their muscles grow, their shoulders broaden, their chins widen, their chests shrink, their asses stay pretty much the same, and their nipples no longer require censorship. Yes, our heroes are Los Felinos Fatales once more!

But then… the changes don’t stop…

Golden Cat looks at his partner and gasps.

Golden Cat instinctually pokes at his head and realizes he’s also growing horns. The two cats begin to panic and they change. Stacy Carter seems… shocked?

Our heroes gasp as their furry outfits change to ones of black and white. Their cute cat mouths shift into those weird cow noses. Worst of all, on their trunks, udders appear!

Stacy shrugs.

Before our heroes can protest, Stacy waves and they disappear, reappearing in their apartment kitchen. Golden Cow’s shoulders slump.

A loud crashing noise interrupts Golden Cow. He and Danger Cow exchange looks, before heading out into the living room to find… A massive beef cow sitting on the destroyed remains of what was once their couch. Golden Cow is flummoxed.

MROOOO…

The cow blinks lazily at them. Golden Cow looks as though he has been hit in the face with a frying pan.

Golden Cow nods his head.

Golden Cow takes out his phone.

Golden Cow leaves the room and speaks with the Sphinx. Meanwhile, Danger Cow approaches the beefified Angus.

Golden Cow returns with a smile on his cow face.

The team rejoices and heads out to the super secret underground location of the super secret Cat Illuminati. No, we aren’t telling you where it is, that would defeat the point.

Once our heroes arrive at the beautiful golden temple that is the Cat Illuminati’s headquarters, filled with scratch posts, yarn, and laser pointers, they meet up with The Sphinx.

The Sphinx looks at these two strangers, sneers in disgust, and ignores them.

The Sphinx sees our cattle heroes and his face widens in shock and awe.

Golden Cow walks us to his nudist ally and nods his head. Sphinx’s face twists in anger.

Golden Cow tries to calm him down.

Sphinx snaps at Golden Cow.

Danger Cow steps in.

Danger Cow tries to calm Sphinx down again.

Sphinx sighs again.

Sphinx rolls his eyes.

Golden Cow sighs, before remembering something.

Sphinx considers this.

Golden Cow claps his hands together.

Sphinx laughs.

Sphinx thinks for a moment.

Golden Cow ignores Sphinx.

Danger Cow tilts his head.

Golden Cow considers this.

LFF slap their hands together as Eye of the Tiger begins to play in the background.

We quickly cut between scenes of our heroes working out, getting bigger, sucking less (hopefully). We see Golden Cow zooming his wife while pumping iron, explaining to her why he is now a cow.

We then cut to Danger Cow watching some indy matches on a vcr.

Danger Cow then tries to superkick a dummy, failing horribly.

Days pass, then weeks. Our heroes continue their quest, getting better at this whole wrestling thing. Danger Cow successfully superkicks the dummy ten times in a row, and Golden Cat is getting amazing height on his Quarter Star Splash!

We cut to the two drinking glasses of milk.

Danger Cow finishes his class of milk.

Danger Cow jumps to his feet.

The two men - the one who suggested it and the one who agreed already - both vote in favor of the name. Angus moos loudly from the other room.

The Battle Cattle strike their signature pose.

Golden Cow sprints at Mystery Mask III! Golden Show- no! Mystery Mask reverses it! Mystery Mask throws Golden Cow onto the apron, he’s going to show all of his strength by suplexing the Cow off of the ropes! He grabs the Cow and, no! Golden Cow reverses! He jumps into the ring and jumps into the air, nailing Mystery Mask with a devastating Golden Shower!

1! 2! No, kick out at two!

Golden Cow gets up and tries to grab Mystery Mask, but the international man of mystery kips up onto Golden Cow’s shoulders and hits him with an insane hurricanrana! Mystery Mask jumps onto the top rope as Golden Cow slowly stands to his feet, and with a spin midair Mystery Mask nails Golden Cow with a whisper in the wind! Mystery Mask runs back and jumps to the top turnbuckle one more time, setting up for one last Eclipse! Golden Cow, resilient as ever, stands up once more, but this was all to plan! Mystery Mask jumps, spins, and ends Golden Cow with a stunn- no! Golden Cow reverses and slams Mystery Mask into the ground!

Now Golden Cow jumps onto the top rope! Quarter! Star! Splash! With a beautiful backflip, Golden Cow nails the Quarter Star Splash right onto… Mystery Mask’s knees! Golden Cow falls to the ground in pain, gasping for breath! He should stay down, but the secret of the Infinity Cats is far too important! Golden Cow stands up, but Mystery Mask springboards off of the ropes and nails a devastating roundhouse kick midair! Golden Cow falls to the ground nearly unconscious, and Mystery Mask III grabs his legs!

Spin! Spin! Spin! Win! Win! Win!

He spins Golden Cow right round right round like a record, baby! He throws Golden Cow across the ring and falls into a pin, exhausted!

1! 2! 3!

Mystery Mask III has won!

Mystery Mask III tries to stand, but all he can muster is to drop to a single knee. This is more than alright though, as he raises his hand into the air. Now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for… the Mystery Tongue!

Wait, wait no! A hand grabs the Mystery Tongue! It’s Danger Cow! Mystery Mask III starts to struggle, his mysterious tongue in the hooves of a madman!

Wait’s the matter, Mystery Man? Cat got your tongue?

Mystery Mask III continues to struggle, but Danger Cow grabs onto the tongue with his second hoof, and a demented tug of war begins. With surprising strength for a man in his condition, Mystery Mask breaks free! As Danger Cow is flung through the ropes to the floor, Mystery Mask III finally stands to his feet and turns around… Right into a Kitty Claw from Golden Cow!

Immediately, the knowledge of Mystery Mask III begins to flow into the mind of Golden Cow; our bovine brother experiences hours of quantum physics, mechanical engineering, volumes upon volumes of data recorded from hundreds of mysterious tomes, and for the first time in his life, Golden Cow learns how to change a flat tire!

All of this flows into his brain at once, threatening to overwhelm him, until finally… He sees it! The knowledge they seek, buried deep within the subconscious of Mystery Mask III, lodged between theoretical astrophysics and 12th century English poetry. What felt like hours for Golden Cow passes in only a few moments, and when it ends, our hero drops Mystery Mask III onto the floor, where he lies, motionless. Golden Cow stumbles and drops to a knee, one hand on his head, dizzy from the onslaught of information. Danger Cow jumps into the ring.

Dorado! Are you okay?

Si, my friend…

Golden Cow places a hand on Danger Cow’s shoulder.

I know what we must do.

---

Sometime later, in the official Los Felinos Fatales locker room- the sign of which is haphazardly covered with a large piece of tape with “Battle Cattle” written on it- our heroes congregate to discuss their bounty.

Peligroso, the… The Infinity Cats do not exist on our physical plane. That is why nobody has ever found them!

What do you mean, Dorado?

They exist as multidimensional wavelengths of celestial intent, sentient yet not, waiting in Parts Unknown for someone to complete their secret trials. And now, thanks to a little bit of unprovoked violence, I know what the trials are!

Golden Cow stands and produces a large piece of paper that he tapes to an empty wall. He grabs a marker and begins to write, eventually standing aside to reveal a list of objectives.

Space: Defy gravity and fly through the air to victory.
Reality: Twist reality around you by experiencing an immersion breaking glitch.
Power: Rise above your strength by defeating a super heavyweight.
Soul: A Sol for a Soul.
Mind: Clear your doubtful thoughts by fighting for the tag team championships.
Time: Repeat the past and become a two time champion.

Danger Cow reads the board for a moment.

What is a Sol?

I don’t know, but I’m sure we’ll figure it out. Anyway, Peligroso, once we complete these suspiciously convenient objectives, the Infinity Cats will become known to us and we will gain the power we need to return to our true cat forms! But, there is some bad news… You see, Mystery Mask III did not know the time frame that these objectives should be completed in. For all we know, this could take anywhere between a week and the rest of our lives!

Danger Cow’s eyes shoot open.

Ay dios mios! I cannot spend the rest of my lives as a cow… wait a momento…

I am a cow! I have but one life! Ay dios miiiiiiios!

Golden Cow slaps his hysterical friend.

Calm down, Peligroso! We will get through this! Let’s memorize these objectives very carefully, we can do these things! Look at the Mind Cat, for example! A tag team title shot, we don’t even need to win them! We can do that!

Oh we’re fucked…

And Time! Since we won the International Championship together, we both are one time International Champions! Either one of us could beat Matthew Oxley, or I could beat Jeremy Barmore and we’ll have that one!

Ooooh we’re fucked…

And with Space, I can win off my Quarter Star Splash!

Ooooooooooh we’re fucked…

And I have no clue what a Sol is, but we can surely beat that one, no?

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh we’re fucked…

Golden Cow sighs.

Peligroso, this is our shot. We can do this! We can gather the Infinity Cats, regain our cathood, and when it’s all said and done… beat the shit out of the Elder Cats for tricking us into becoming cows!

At the mere suggestion of violence, Danger Cow perks up.

Si, mi amigo! Let us do these quests! Let us beat up so many people, and then, beat up the gods themselves! We can do this!

The Battle Cattle strike their signature pose and the scene fades to black, as their objectives flash on screen one last time.

SPACE - REALITY - POWER - SOUL - MIND - TIME

Danger Cow has done it. He has defeated Issac Richardson. Danger Cow jumps up in joy and excitement, but when his feet touch the ground it is far less stable than when he left. A small earthquake fills the Aftermath arena, even the sky feels as if it is shaking.

That is when the sky cracks open. A slit in the sky opens up, expelling light onto the world below. A booming voice can be heard throughout the arena.

Suddenly a cat descends down from the sky. It is ridiculously buff with shoulders the size of boulders despite being the size of a housecat. As it falls, Danger Cow can’t help but look up at it in complete awe. This is… the Power Cat.

The Power Cat now hovers face to face with Danger Cow and lets out a momentous meow of approval. Danger Cow hesitates, but softly grabs onto the cat of legend. The moment he touches its sacred fur, the cat disappears and the sky closes up. Left in Danger Cow’s hoof is a single small amethyst gem shaped like a cat.

Golden Cow and Mystery Mask III run down to the ring. Golden Cow looks overjoyed at his partner’s success.

The two jump in circles with joy as they’ve obtained the first piece of their return to cathood!

The Battle Cattle take a defensive stance against the International Man of Mystery.

Mystery Mask III takes a step closer to Danger Cow.

Mystery Mask tries to reach towards Danger Cow’s hand, wanting a better look at the Gem. Golden Cow jumps in between the two.

Mystery Mask III shakes his head, emotionless on his expressionless face.

The Battle Cattle tense up at the thought. If they can never get the Gem back, they’ll never be able to be cats again.

Mystery Mask points towards one of the crowd exits. While everyone in the audience is amazed at what they just saw, there is one woman in a hoodie walking away, exiting the arena. As she turns around the corner, a sliver of her face can be seen for a fraction of a second.

Golden Cow has risen, victorious, from the Six-Pack Challenge. Danger Cow runs to the ring and The Battle Cattle celebrate together, until...

Cow of Gold, I have heard your call, I have seen your ability... To claim victory by flying through the air... I recognize your power, and lend you my own!

Engulfed in a beam of light, a cat descends from the sky. The cat is massive, girthy, and almost perfectly round in its chunkiness. Golden Cow stares in awe, mesmerized by the presence of... the Space Cat! Then he considers something.

Wait... I did not win with my flying move, though... Does this count?

Danger Cow speaks up.

Well, the cat is here, so that means it must count, right?

The Space Cat meows impatiently, and Golden Cow shrugs. Golden Cow reaches out and takes ahold of the sacred fur, and the legendary beast transforms into a small, shiny blue gemstone in the shape of a cat.

Golden Cow raises his head to celebrate, but notices something... Two men, in cat-themed lucha masks, watching the Battle Cattle from the top of the entrance ramp. To Danger Cow, Golden Cow speaks.

Peligroso... It seems we are running out of time.

Mystery Mask III rolls into the ring, and speaks to the Battle Cattle.

They are even closer than I feared. Take care, Bovine Brothers... Soon they will attack.

SPACE - REALITY - POWER - SOUL - MIND - TIME

Somehow how Battle Cattle has won again. Somehow Battle Cattle (with the help of Amber Reed) have defeated Par Excellence in three on three combat! However, it feels weird. Golden Cow swears he saw Cam Harris dive through Tenra, and Danger Cow swears Jeremy Barmore teleported from the corner to ringside to dodge his Udder Humiliation setup. Truthfully, they’re probably just concussed.

That’s when they hear Dashing celebrating on commentary.

Aye dios mios, is CMV really that cheap that they’re using malfunctioning equipment? Maybe Kellin just doesn’t care, maybe CMV needs new owners. Amber Reed decides to leave the ring, not wanting to be around either of these teams. As she leaves, her arm catches the rope, but she doesn’t notice? She continues to walk down the ramp as the rope stretches further and further, as if it were made of taffy!

Then it suddenly snaps back to place as the sky itself cracks open!

From the heavens, a cat descends… It may very well be the ugliest cat our heroes have ever seen! It’s face appears to be squashed and stretched as if it were a cartoon, with no visible nose or mouth, and it appears to flicker as if it was fading in and out of existence! This can be only one thing… The Reality Cat!

The Reality Cat floats in front of the Battle Cattle. Golden Cow speaks.

The Reality Cat meows dejectedly. Danger Cow reaches out and touches the sacred fur, and the Reality Cat morphs into a red, cat-shaped gemstone. Danger Cow pockets the sacred gem, another successful trial complete!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Backstage, the Battle Cattle sit in their locker room with Angus- still in his extremely large, beef cow form- and examine their collection; the Purple Power Cat, the Blue Space cat, and the Red Reality cat sit on a small table before them, glittering in the light.

Danger Cow looks at the gems, the beauty shining into his very soul.

The Battle Cattle strike a pose in happiness! Danger Cow reaches out and picks up the Space Gem.

Danger Cow raises the gem into the air slowly. He feels small pulses of energy, and he jumps up! In shock as their door is kicked open!

Mystery Mask III comes storming in.

Golden Cow turns towards Mystery Mask, but slaps the gem out of Danger Cow’s hand furst.

Mystery Mask lets out a sigh, he Mystery Tongue poking out a small bit.

Golden Cow considers this.

Golden Cow claps his hands.

MM3 does not appear to be amused.

Golden Cow speaks up, interrupting what was certain to be an interesting story that definite wasn’t made up on the spot.

Golden Cow looks to Angus, who blinks slowly, still adjusting to his cow brain. Danger Cat claps his hands.

Golden Cow immediately waves that off.

Angus does not respond immediately, as his small cow brain struggles to comprehend the question. Then there is a flash of light, and where there was once a cow there now sits a large, white gauntlet adorned with cow spots!

Golden Cow picks up the gauntlet, while Danger Cow carefully picks up the Space Gem. Slowly, carefully, they slot the gem into one of the indentations… And it snaps into place! Shimmering blue light pulsates throughout the Anguslent, and the Battle Cattle rejoice!

Danger Cow inserts both the Power and Reality Gems, a small rainbow of energy pulsating through Golden Cow’s arm!

Mystery Mask nods his head.

Golden Cow considers this as he stares down at the gauntlet… Even without putting it on, and with only three stones, the sheer power of Infinity numbed his arm… Could he truly do it? Could he handle such power, such responsibility? He pondered this tremendous question for a moment.

Golden Cow sets the gauntlet on the floor, and shakes out his numb arm.

Danger Cow tries to respond, but he can’t put his feelings into words. He simply nods, smiling as he does so. Mystery Mask walks up and puts a hand on Golden Cow’s shoulders.

SPACE - REALITY - POWER - SOUL - MIND - TIME