Guy. Talks Angel with Osiris

by **krzy** Tue Aug 06, 2019 9:14 pm

OSIRIS: YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!

[Air horn noises]

OSIRIS: Stay a while, please don't change that dial! It's the man with the plan and the magic hands. The one and only. The real, not phony. What up, peeps? It's ya boi, OSIRIIIIIIIIIS!

And just like every other weekday morning, I'm coming at you hot with the country's number one sports talk radio program: 121.6FM. We got a doozy today, folks. Let me tell you that right off the bat. Oooh! Did you peep that rhyme? Throw me on your top 50 rappers lists, y’all.

SO! You know the big wigs like to keep me on the straight and narrow.

[Mocking, stuck-up voice]

OSIRIS: Osiris you can only talk about “traditional” sports. Baseball! Football! Basketball! The other Football! That’s what brings in the listeners. Wrestling’s played out; it’ll never be as huge as it was back in the day! Plus, look at the people who go to the shows. Do we really want to cater to that demographic?

[Regular voice]

OSIRIS: But cha’ll already s’know that I’m not the kind of guy who plays by the rules. Hell, it’s breaking the rules that got me here in the first place! Way I see it is that being a goodie-two-shoes means losing money, and I’m a man of very exquisite tastes. Can’t be having that!

So I’m going to squeeze a little wrestling talk in here the way I like to do from time to time. Completely flushing the format. Let’s be real with ourselves for a second, if you wanted to hear last night’s box score broken down or a play by play, you’d be listening to a different program. But you’re not there. You’re here. With me. Which can only mean one thing: you’re looking for a little spice in your life.

Don’t get me wrong though, folks, this ain’t just for your entertainment. It’s for my peace of mind as well. These days I can’t go five minutes without somebody asking me about Brett Angel and his life story. I post a meet and greet date on Facebook—“What’s wrong with Brett?” I tweet out something dumb Trump said—“What’s wrong with Brett?” I put up a pic on insta in my new shirt—“Damn, you single, big daddy? If yes, what’s wrong with Brett?”

Here’s a spoiler for this upcoming conversation: I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with the guy! Or if there’s anything “wrong” with him at all. We keep in touch every now and then, sure, but even when we were doing our thing in HALO, he was too busy oogling Leona to spend any quality time with yours truly.

So I went and did y’all a solid. I called in a few favors, pulled a few strings, buttered a few pieces of toasts, and have brought to you all, live and in color, someone who's gotten to know Brett pretty well over these past few years.

GUY.: As well as you can know him, anyway.

OSIRIS: Yeah, I bet y’all recognize that voice. It’s a man who needs no introductions, but I’ll go ahead and call him CMV’s finest journalist anyway. Please, join me in welcoming: Guy.!

GUY.: Thanks for having me, Osiris. You know, someone once told me that I had a face for radio.

OSIRIS: Ha! Wish I could relate. Matter of fact, I had to get myself off TV to tone down all the love and admiration I was getting.

GUY.: Must have been exhausting.

OSIRIS: Whew! You’re telling me. But nowhere near as exhausting as I imagine dealing with Brett on a weekly basis can be.

GUY.: I have to say, it wasn’t that bad at first. It was easy to see why everyone loved and still love the guy. He was charming and witty and passionate and you believed that he believed every word that he said because he always stayed true to his word.

OSIRIS: Can’t disagree with that. For all the grief he gets for the squad falling apart, he went in there inside of hell in a cell against a seven foot tall behemoth that was spawned to inflict pain and fought for us.

GUY.: He cares even if he never says it.

OSIRIS: And he rarely does. Tell me, does he get into those funks with you too? Where he’s kinda broody, eyes glazed, lost in his own thoughts to the point where you could take off his shoe smack him with it, put it on his head, and he wouldn’t so much as blink?

GUY.: Well, I--I haven’t gone to such extremes, but you can definitely tell when he’s Brett Angel and when he’s...different.

OSIRIS: It’s been months now, hasn’t it?

GUY.: Months. And I never noticed something was truly, deeply, dangerously-irreparably wrong until I caught him in the act.

OSIRIS: You saw the bottles.

GUY.: Everything clicked into place, and it was like someone pulled off my shoe and slapped me with it when that realization came. He didn’t start wearing the body paint, or talking to the scarf, or getting that cold look in his eyes until after that damn night when everything went to sh--xjsrgfbxld.

OSIRIS: Sorry about that, people. Had to hit the dump button. Unfortunately, I didn’t land that gig on satellite radio, so we’ve gotta watch our swears here on the FM dial.

GUY.: I didn’t lose you any sponsors, did I?

OSIRIS: None that I haven’t lost already! But the night in question you mentioned, that was when the Black Gael…

GUY.: No, that wasn’t Gael. That wasn’t Brandon Rayne, either. It was some..thing, some completely pathetic husk consumed by his vices.

OSIRIS: And Brett is heading down that road.

GUY.: I don't know how to help him. It's like talking to a brick wall.

OSIRIS: A long string of losses in that man's life, literally and metaphorically. It felt like he was too big for HALO, you know? This main event, face of the brand, fella slumming it with us rooks. Management just wasn't having it.

GUY.: And between Kliq and Rayne, it almost felt like Brulé was destined to fail.

OSIRIS: I think that's why he prefers flying solo. Can't get hurt if no one was there for you in the first place.

GUY.: Most of the time it's not for lack of trying.

OSIRIS: Leona damn near went bald trying to get through to him, not that she isn't a pain in the ass in her own right.

Before I let you go, Guy., we've gotta take some calls from our listeners, and before we get to them, we've gotta hear from our sponsors.

OSIRIS: My producers are telling me the phones have been blowing up since you came on the air, Guy.

This here is...Polyamphertine? But I'm gonna go right ahead and call you Polly. What can I do you for, girl?

Polyamphertine: Oh..my...word! Is this really Osiris?

OSIRIS: You know how the intro goes, baby, I'm the one and only!

Polyamphertine: AHHHHHH!

GUY.: Oh my God…

Polyamphertine: First of all, I just want to say: long-time listener, first-time caller.

OSIRIS: Much appreciated, and as much as I love talking about myself, this segment is dedicated to our esteemed guest. Anything in particular you'd like to ask?

Polyamphertine: Of course! Guy., I just wanna know if you keep in touch with Teddy still?

GUY.: Yeah, you're probably expecting a happy ending to that story, but he cut me off immediately after he lost his job. I guess he wanted nothing to do with wrestling or the people associated with it. Last I heard, he's in contact with his kid. So he has that going for himself, at least.

OSIRIS: You fought Sanders during that feud, didn't you?

GUY.: First and last time I step in the ring, if I have anything to say about it. My neck still acts up every now and then if I sleep on it wrong.

OSIRIS: Yeah, that's one aspect of the business I don't miss. We've got another caller on the line. Scotroapherio, you're live! Say hi to Guy.!

Scotroapherio: Yoooooooooo!

GUY.: Hey man, that's, uh...a lot of energy you've got going there.

Scotroapherio: I've been trying for weeks to get on this show, bro. I'm pumped! Guy., the people want to know, if you had to choose between being one of Val's subjects for two minutes or having dinner with Slate for an hour, which would you choose?

GUY.: I guess you better find me a mask!

OSIRIS: Unfortunately, we only have time for one more before I have to hand over the reigns to the show. Looks like we’re going down south for our last call! Lone Star Dallas, you’re our final caller! Pull out the six shooter, and let’s end this with a bang!

DALLAS: Is this Guy.?

GUY.: Yes, yes it is.

DALLAS: I have to know. How? How do you keep doing it?

GUY.: Excuse me?

DALLAS: How do you manage to stand by Brett Angel after all this time? How can you see the pathetic excuse of who he once was and still stay with him?

OSIRIS: Woah now, looks like we caught someone on a bad day, let’s do someone el-

DALLAS: You called Brandon Rayne a husk, but Rayne never failed his fans like Brett Angel did! Rayne never had people who looked up to him, people who would have to watch him degrade into nothing!

GUY.: Brett may have some bad days, but don’t you dare compare him to that disg-

DALLAS: You know, a few months back, I got to meet Brett Angel in person for the first time. I was so excited, so happy to finally meet him. But when I shook his hand, and I looked into his eyes, I just felt empty. He was hollow. His soul was hollow. That guy was not Brett Angel, not my Brett Angel! No, that guy was nothing more than another lost soul, another victim to the hands of fate! Once upon a time he was absolutely intoxicating, now he is nothing more than a broken down dog! Well you know what Guy.? Maybe it’s finally time to bring Lassie behind the barn, and shoot her once and for all! That way, we can remember Angel for the legend he once was, and not the thing he has become!

OSIRIS: Now you listen here, punk! You do not come on to my show, insult my guests, and expect to walk off scot-free! We have your number, we will have you banned from 121.6FM, and we will report you to the-

GUY.: Wait a second. That voice… I know that voice. Dallas, are you-

[The caller hangs up]

OSIRIS: Well, what can i say? It wouldn't be an episode of my show if Mattennis on the phones didn't let some wild child through. That's what we get for paying him in coal stock.

GUY.: Did you forget where i worked? I cross paths with people like that on a daily basis.

OSIRIS: Guy., it's been a pleasure. Do me a favor, and don't be a stranger. Feel free to stop by anytime, there's room at the table for ya!

For everyone else, that's all the time we've got today, but be sure to stop by tomorrow--same time, same station, and unfortunately for the haters, same host. Peace!...and much love to ya!