COLE SAVAGE PRESENTS: HANGMAN!!

by Batman Tue Sep 28, 2021 8:09 am

The show returns from a commercial break and Cole Savage's voice booms through the speakers…

All my people...IT'S TIIIIIIIIIIIIME!!

The calendar might say...whatever the current year in CMV is...but the ring is decked out like a 90's game show.

It's so vibrant and colorful, ribbons adorning the turnbuckles, balloons covering the floor, the spotlights cycling through the colors of the rainbow as they pass through the crowd.

There are three lecterns set up in front of three bright and cheery twenty-somethings who are clapping along to the cheesy music streaming through the sound system.

And then there's Cole Savage.

The man is looking absolutely suave in a perfectly-tailored pink suit with subtle white stripes down the side--he wouldn't look out of place at all replacing Bob Barker on an episode of The Price is Right.

Thank you ALL for joining me for a very special episode of CMV. It's not only special because I'm here, but you're all about to be part of the first ever edition of what's bound to be a hit game show:

COLE SAVAGE PRESENTS: HANGMAN!!

Applause fills the arena. History is about to be made, and what insufferable Walter Bolek wouldn't want to be part of such a special moment?

Savage even does a little dance looking a little like Hoxton dancing on the grave of the Hastings family. Once this incredibly energetic crowd eases down a bit, Savage motions toward the three contestants.

Of course a game show is nothing without willing participants, and I think I got three of the finest a host could ask for!

Savage walks over to a petite brunette woman who's on the far left.

First, we've got Ruby, who's a high school physics teacher from Des Moines, Colorado! Ruby how're you doing tonight!

I am SO excited to be here!

I don't blame ya! If I were you, I'd be thrilled to meet me too! Ha!

Savage walks by the dude in the middle.

That's Burt.

H--hi?

And Savage leans against the lectern of another attractive woman a curvier black woman with a prominent afro.

And last, but certainly not least, we've got the lovely Penny, a mechanic from Red Falls, Minnesota. A pleasure to have you here.

The pleasure is mine, Cole!

Ooh, first-name basis, huh?

Well flattery won't get you anywhere in this game, honey! If you want to win Cole Savage Presents: Hangman, then you've gotta be the most intelligent, intuitive and ruthless person playing. You've gotta be willing to take names and end lives. You've gotta be willing to go above and beyond, because I promise you, based on the trial runs we've done, your lives will never be the same again...in more ways than one.

That said, you've gotta be playing for a prize worth sacrificing for, right? And boy do you have the opportunity of a lifetime for the winner. Announcer! Tell these lovely people what they've playing for!

TICKETS TO ASCENDANCE!

That's right, baby! But keep in mind, tickets have been sold out for the general public for MONTHS now...but Cole Savage is NOT the general public, and Cole Savage is gonna make sure that not only is the winner getting to the show...they'll be sitting pretty IN MY SKYYYBOX!

What?!

Cole Savage doesn't just let anyone into the mythical skybox...and to think one of these three people could watch the show of shows in luxury...well it seems too good to be true.

Oh, but it IS true!

So you guys know what you're playing for...all that's left is to make sure you know how to play!

The rules to the game are simple; I'll give you the board and a clue. Then you'll each get a turn to guess a letter. For every correct guess, 10 points. For solving the whole puzzle, 100 points. On the other hand, every incorrect guess will deduct 5 points from your total, and if you complete the hanged man, you lose 25 points!

Announcer, tell them the theme of today's game:

THE MEN IN SCHMIDTY'S LIFE!

Let's throw the first puzzle on the board!

The title of this puzzle is: First Impressions. And here's the clue: From the very beginning, Schmidty could NOT get the better of this man.

Ruby, Burt, Penny, we're about to decide who gets the first guess. Keep in mind, sometimes the first person to go picks up unstoppable momentum!

Savage pulls a $100 coin out of his pocket.

Ruby, you're heads. Penny, tails.

Wait a second...

Savage motions for Burt to be quiet before flipping the coin with such finesse the piece of metal appears to float in midair before plopping down into Savage's palm. He smacks the coin onto the back of his hand, looks down, and smirks.

Burt! You're up!

Fifteen minutes later, this is the state of the game.

All right, Ruby, there's only a couple of spaces left on the board, and Burt is looking like he knows the answer, so if you don't get it here, he most certainly will!

Um...um...um...Give me an, um...a V??

I hate to sound like Mr. Dashing at the club...but SHOW ME A V!!!

There's a ding as the letter V fills the spot you'd expect it to. Savage looks at Ruby expectantly.

Okay, Cole, I think I'm ready to solve the puzzle. Is the answer...Paul Divine??

Well, I don't know, hey, announcer! Is the answer Paul Divine??

CORRECT!

Ruby, you've got it!

Ruby shrieks as the bells goes off indicating that she's taken a strong lead in this game.

That's right, for those of you who haven't been paying attention to Schmidty's career, and I sure don't blame you if you haven't, Schmidty lost to future Hall of Famer...in a few days...Paul Divine, and it's been downhill for poor Schmidty ever since.

Don't fret, Burt and Penny, there are still a few more puzzles to go, and even just one game would be enough to take you from last to first!

Which brings us to puzzle number two!

So the title of this one is: The Title Doesn't Make the Man. And for the clue: This Unlikely Superstar Embarrassed Schmidty and Won the United States Championship. Penny, since you came in last after the previous round, you get to go first.

The momentum is in your favour, Penny. Would you like to guess a letter or solve the game?

I'm gonna go for the win, Cole! Woo!

I love the energy! What do you think it is?

It's gotta be Sebastian...Ghost?

Announcer, did she get it?

WRONG!

A trombone plays a depressing melody as Penny looks dejected.

Sorry, Penny, so close and yet so far. Ruby, the heat's on you now. How do you want to tackle this?

I'm gonna play it safe and guess a letter. Is there an...X?

Show me an X that isn't mine!

There's a buzzer.

That's a shame. And unfortunately, you've completed the hanged man, so that's half of your points gone, Penny.

I thought it was just 50 points?

Burt!

The man has been hanged, which means we've reached sudden death time. Can you solve the puzzle? Or will you forfeit your points too?

I'm stumped, Cole, I have no idea what the answer could be.

Penny, you've got one last shot. Can you name the man who beat Schmidt for the United States Championship.

I think I've got it, Cole, I feel it in my bones!

Whattaya have for my, girl?

It's gotta be Sebastian Frost!

Announcer, could it be?

CORRECT!

Don't call it a comeback, baby! Penny is here and she's angling to take it all home!

An intense horn sounds.

Uh oh! That sound can only mean one thing: nobody here was actually keeping track of the points so the next and FINAL puzzle is Winner Take All!!

Here it is, folks. The title of this puzzle is: Ice Cold Facts. The clue? This man is better than Schmidty in every conceivable way.

There's no turns.

There's no rounds.

This is first come, first served!

But if no one gets it, I guess that means everyone is going home empty handed!

Put five minutes on the clock.

A legally-alternative Final Jeopardy melody starts to play while the camera shows shots if the three contestants looking deep in thought. Finally Burt raises his hand like a child in school.

Yes, Burt, my man! What's your answer?

Is it...Paul Divine?

INCORRECT!

I don't blame you for thinking so, Divine is better than Schmidty in many ways...but not in every. conceivable. way. And that's an important distinction.

Burt is ejected out of the ring, leaving just Penny and Ruby.

It's the latter who raises her hand next:

Shot in the dark...but is it Cole Savage?

Savage looks so surprised that he nearly drops the microphone.

Me?

Better than Schmidty in every conceivable way?

Oh boy, Ruby how could you think such a thing?

Savage shakes his head and looks so incredibly disappointed.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I AM!!!

YOU'VE DONE IT, RUBY!

YOU'VE WON!

YOU'VE WON!

The whole audience bursts into cheers as a winner is crowned. Ruby looks so happy she could cry.

Ruby, you get to watch Ascendance LIVE from the comfort of my skybox! From FRESHLY cooked meals from the finest restaurants, to stylists and masseuses! We've got everything you can dream of in there….and then some!

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity that will CHANGE your life!

How're you feeling?

The poor girl is so excited that everything out of her mouth is unintelligible. The camera pans away from her to some crew members rolling down a large object covered with a cloth.

Penny, we’re not gonna send you home empty handed. We’ve got a consolation prize for you.

He escorts Penny out of the ring and grabs the cloth with one hand. He pulls it off with a dramatic flourish to reveal...

It’s a life-sized wax figure of Schmidty!

Penny looks sick to her stomach.

I don’t want this!

Savage grins wickedly.

Oh...it’s not for you to keep...doesn’t he have such a punchable face??

Penny immediately gets what’s going on.

She rears back and clocks the wax figure with a big right that nearly knocks it over.

The wax figure has a big dent in the cheek while Penny looks so proud of herself for doing it. But she’s not a selfish woman. She offers Burt a punch, and then Ruby, and then some random dude from the front row, and then that dude’s kid, and then that kid’s other dad, before you know it, people have swarmed around the figure, beating it within an inch of its waxy life.

By the time they’re done, the wax figure of Schmidty is completely destroyed and unrecognizable, laying on the ground in varying-sized pieces of...wax.

Some more 90s-appropriate game show music starts to play while end credits scroll down the screen. Savage stands in front of the camera with a bunch of fans gathered in behind him, whooping and hollering, waving and making all kinds of faces at the camera, trying to get their 15 seconds of spotlight. Those who aren’t battling for screen time, are stomping away at what remains of the Schmidty sculpture.

And that’s all we’ve got for this week, folks! I know I’ve had a blast, and I sure hope you all did too!

But at least for tonight, this is Cole Savage signing off…

Peace out everybody!

But not so fast.

And out he comes! The fans boo him as well as the pile of fans surrounding Cole Savage. The scene is truly different than what Schmidty is used to seeing at around this time of the show. He stands at the top of the stage, staring Savage down with pure anger and disgust in his eyes. His fists clenched, and his gaze not breaking his old foe. As he slowly raises his microphone to his lips, you can see his hand shaking in anger.

Schmidty
You........fucking.....did it now. My time here is limited and I told you what I needed to do! I TOLD YOU WHAT I NEEDED TO DO! Yet here you are, with all of these fucking CRIMINALS, disrespecting me. And you're rewarding them...........How.....fucking DARE YOU! I took the time out of my week to explain why I did this. Yet all you can think about is that FUCKING MATCH! You're disgusting old man. You had the AUDACITY to-

He looks as if he wants to say more but a sudden migraine stops him. And in that moment, we seen him. The Schmidty who's been suppressed ever since he returned from the mental institute. And it's almost as if holding back that dangerous side of himself is painful to him. As he covers one of his eyes with a hand, he lifts the microphone back to his lips.

Schmidty
Don't....show up....to Supremacy next week. OR ELSE!!

And with that warning, he drops the microphone and goes backstage as Cole laughs and celebrates with the fans once more.