Los Felinos Rotos?

The camera comes in to the two Coolest Cats in all of the northern hemisphere, The Golden Cat and The Danger Cat. The two gatos walk down the halls of Supremacy, preparing for their match later in the night against French Pride. While their typical and normal everyday lucha masks surround their identities in mystery, we can see them talking.

“...and that is why I think Joseph Stalin was a pretty bad person.”

“But of course Peligroso, but what does this have to do with our match?”

Danger Cats light up with a blazing vengeance.

“Tonight we fight his great grandnephew! Le Joseph Lance! After everything that disgusting man did, I cannot allow anyone from his line to think they can best us!”

Golden Cat simply shakes his head.

“Peligroso… I don’t think that’s…”

Realizing a fired up tag team partner may be better than an informed partner, Golden decides to hold his tongue, at least for now. They finally reach their dressing room. As they enter, they bask in all their typical goodies. Scratching posts to practice their claw attacks, balls of yarn to practice their reaction, laser lights to practice their cardio, and so much more. However, among their personalized gym, they see something new in the center of the room: a DVD and a can of pop. The DVD is unlabeled, just a plain black case, but the can has an intricate logo on it: a bird with goggles.

Understandably confuddled, Danger Cat inspects the drink while Golden Cat places the DVD in the disk player.

The television sparks to life, and the screen lingers for a moment on the intricate bird logo from before. A deep-voiced, distorted message states, “Consideration paid for by the following.”

In a flash of light and loud, cheerful music, a man- who for legal reasons may or may-not-be Jack Black- appears on screen.

“Peligroso, look! It’s your grandfather!”

There is no response from Danger Cat, but Golden Cat is too fixated on the screen to notice as Not-Jack begins his spiel.

“Hey there, kids! Are you tired of boring old soft drinks?”

A table with unlabeled- but familiar- cans of red and blue pop slides into frame. Not-Jack picks one up, takes a swig and spits it out.

“Ye-uck!”

He kicks over the table, knocking the soda everywhere. A low-quality laugh track plays over the scene.

“Well, forget that noise! I’ve got something new and exciting for you all today! Behold!”

A canned drumroll plays and a bright green can of soda labelled Sodalicious falls from the ceiling.

“I give to you… Sodalicious! The soda that’s not just good… It’s delicious!”

Not-Jack takes a long swig of the soda.

“Ahhhhhh!”

He gives a large smile and a thumbs up, before the DVD abruptly ends. Golden Cat blinks a few times before speaking.

“I guess that’s what he was doing in-between Jumanji movies.”

Golden Cat shrugs and looks around the room, figuring they might as well try the strange soda they’d been gifted.

“Peligroso, where’d you go? Let’s have a drink before we go out there… Peligroso?”

Silence is the only response. Golden Cat had seen many strange things; an obese cat that orders broccoli pizza, Not-Jack Black breaking into their house, and teleportation via legally questionable music, but Danger Cat not responding when called? This truly was a mystery. Golden Cat heads over to the table and notices that the can of soda has already been half-drunk, the rest of it spilled on the table and onto the floor. He picks up the can and sniffs the liquid, before recoiling.

“Dios mio… Smells like basura.”

Suddenly, Golden Cat hears a strange wailing noise from the other side of the room.

“Peligroso?”

Golden Cat approaches the sound, getting louder and louder by the second before finally turning to silence.

“...Peligr-”

Before he finishes, his friend leaps out of nowhere with a loud rabid hiss. Claws barred, he tackles his best friend to the ground and mercilessly claws at him, howling and hissing like a madman.

Startled, Golden cat barely has time to get his arms over his head before the strikes rain down on him.

“Peligroso, what is the matter with--!”

Before he can finish, Danger Cat- babbling incoherently- picks Golden Cat up and with surprising strength, hurls his golden comrade into the television, which breaks and sparks from the impact! Pained but still conscious, Golden Cat struggles to his feet as Danger Cat advances.

“Peligroso, please! If this is about the quiche, I told you it wasn’t that bad, just bland!”

Danger Cat completely and uncharacteristically ignores the quip and superkicks Golden Cat in the face. Stunned by the attack, he begins to fall. Before he hits the ground, Danger Cat launches a quick second superkick, smashing him against the locker room.

Dropping to the ground, Golden Cat has been knocked completely unconscious. Still howling in pain, Danger digs his claws into his own head before dropping to his knees and passing out himself.

As the two cats lie unconscious, two mysterious figures in black robes and plague doctor masks. The two men slowly approach Danger Cat, grabbing him by his legs and pulling him away. Leaving a bloodied Golden Cat sitting alone in the rubble, the scene cuts to black.

This message has been brought to you by Sodalicious.

Drink.

OBEY