Santa Mierda Los Felinos Fatales Tienen un Partido en Ascendance XI

by **Shay UA** Thu Sep 30, 2021 8:15 pm

The camera fades in to the Official Los Felinos Fatales dressing room, which has been upgraded from a janitor’s closet to a storage closet thanks to their new friendship with Post Malone. Inside we see Danger Cat, playing with a large ball of yarn. He’s got it stuck in his teeth like crappy floss. Danger Cat continues to play for a moment, before his intrepid ally, Golden Cat, barges into the room.

Peligroso! Have you heard the news? We have been challenged to a match at Ascendance IX!

Danger Cat turns to look at Golden Cat, string hanging out of his agape mouth.

Ai dios mios! We’re going to be on Ascendance! This is the greatest day of my life! Who challenged us, tag team champions, John Lipnick and Ace Reeves? The reunited force of X-Gen, the greatest tag team of all time? Perhaps Mystery Mask III has decided to not big league us and is going to finish that 42 storyline?

Golden Cat shakes his head.

No, even better! We’ve been challenged by none other than that dastardly debutante, Dashing DJ Urie! Look!

Golden Cat presents a small iPad, upon which plays recent footage of Dashing DJ Urie calling out Post Malone, as well as Los Felinos Fatales! The scene then cuts to footage from The Lion King, where Simba and Nala are making sexy eyes at each other. Golden Cat quickly shuts it off.

Haha, sorry, my uh… Daughter was watching that last night.

But Dorado, you do not have a dau--

Anyways, we cannot let this stand, Peligroso! Not only has Dashing DJ Urie besmirched the name of Los Felinos Fatales, but he has besmirched the name of our dear friend Post Malone! What should we do?!

Danger Cat strikes a pose.

We should ask Post Malone for help!

Danger Cat hits the ceiling and a box falls from it, putting another hole in the floor. Danger Cat slashes at the box and Post Malone crawls out of it.

You crazy bastard!

Danger Cat puts his hand on his chest, hurt.

Post Malone, so rude...

Post looks over to his orange kidnapper.

Hmm? Oh, not you Peligroso, you cats are right, boxes are awesome. Dashing DJ Urie is crazy, thinking he can call me out! The only person he should be calling is a tailor, because that suit of his is trash.

Post Malone steps out of the closet.

But he made a mistake! I’m the host of Ascendance, so I get to make one match as part of our deal! I was going to do Justin Sane vs Jacob Ziegler in a steel cage, but I can’t let Dashing insult my best friends!

That’s why, at Ascendance XI, it’s going to be Los Felinos Fatales and Post Malone… vs. Dashing DJ Urie in a three on one handicap match!

Danger Cat butts in.

That’s a bad idea, we’d kill Dashing, and then we’d get arrested. Then they’d discover all of our drugs.

Golden Cat raises an eyebrow.

We have drugs? What drugs?

Peligroso laughs.

Cocaine of course! It’s in the noses of our masks, so we’re always on it!

Peligroso, you said that was baby powder to stop the itching! My son wears my mask sometimes!

Ah… Gatito de Dorado, he’d really feel it with how big his nose is.

Post continues as if nothing happened.

Los Felinos Fatales and Post Malone… vs. Team Dashing DJ Urie!

Golden Cat butts in.

And The TED!

Danger Cat slides in too.

Yeah, put The TED in there, I really like The TED!

Post continues as if nothing happened.

Los Felinos Fatales and Post Malone and also The TED… vs. Team Dashing DJ Urie!

Amazing! But, who will represent Dashing DJ Urie?

Danger Cat and Post Malone shrug.

I suppose that’ll be up to him, but whoever it is will be screwed! They’ll need a real blacksmith to make weapons capable of handling these guns!

Yeah, and they’d need someone who can handle the stress of wrestling internationally!

As well as someone who’s willing to leave I and my friends with a loss, which would be heartless!

mrow.

No Angus, you can’t have an Oscar Meyer's weiner right now, we’re in the middle of filming. I can’t believe you were once an old god.

Golden Cat double takes.

Angus… How did you get here? I specifically left you at home.

mrowr.

Oh… Did you call the fire department?

mrowr.

Oh… Well, luckily, Peligroso remembered to take out the fire insurance this time. Right, Peligroso?

Danger Cat raises an eyebrow.

What is insurance?

Oh dear… Well, now we’re REALLY not getting that security deposit back.

A canned laugh track plays.

A stage producer pokes his head in the door.

Hurry up guys, your promo was supposed to end five minutes ago. This time slot is reserved for Chris Proudfoot’s new album.

Oh boy, we better go then.

Yes, I’d hate to deny the fans of CMV such… Quality… Music.

Another canned laugh track.

Unless….. Post Malone sings here instead!

A hear a canned ‘ooh’ noise as a glitter increased microphone floats down from a bubble in the sky. Post Malone begins to sing.

Oooh, who lives in an apartment covered in flames?

Los Felinos Fatales!

Furry and funny and coked up are they,

Los Felinos Fatales!

If yellow and orange be something you wish,

Los Felinos Fatales

Then find that old star, and go make your wish!

Los Felinos Fatales!

Los Felin, os Fataaaales!

Hahahaha!

Angus plays a quick flute solo to end the song. The scene fades to black.

This episode of Los Felinos Fatales was brought to you by Nickelodeon; tune in Monday at 12:00 PM for the premiere of our newest SpongeBob cash gra-- uhh, spin off… The Gary the Snail Show! Starring Chris Pratt as Gary the Snail.

Booo, Chris Pratt isn’t a real snail! Where’s my snail representation?